LOST

Sometimes this journey seems so long and tiring. I don't feel like I know where I am going or who I am any more. I can remember a time where I knew, or at least thought I knew where I was going, what my goals were, who my friends and family were. The relations seemed so defined, that I could count on them. There was comfort and safety, but now it is very rare that I feel that. I love my husband and kids, but wonder how much I let them down every day as I flounder on this earth like a fish out of water. Not able to catch my breath, much less muster the strength to jump back in the water and start swimming again.

How did I loose myself, when did I loose myself, or did I ever really know myself. Did I have to wait until I was almost 40 to relize I still do not know ME! Bad timing. How with so many people looking to me and counting on me on a daily basis do I stop and determine who I really am, what I really believe in, what is important to me, and where my moral compass lies?

My reaction is to just shut down, turn it off, and some days I do go on auto pilot, which is not good for me or my family. So what is the solution? I pray, but maybe not enough. Is it because I have not given it all over that I flounder so? I tell myself it is not about you, I start my day trying to not think about what I am looking for, but it always comes back to it. It is like until I know for sure who I am I cannot continue, I am stuck. That is exactly how I feel stuck. No matter what changes I make it does not seem to break me loose. Those around me think I am wishy washy, cannot make a decision to save my life. And you know it is true, I relize, how scary that I cannot decided. It is like being at a cross roads, and standing in the middle forever. What happens if you stand in the middle forever, what do you become? But I know in my gut I cannot stand in the middle forever. I must make that choice, and pick a direction, I want to pick a directions, I just don't know which way to go.