Our deepest fear

I heard this quote and it hit home....

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Maryanne Williamson

LIVING BEYOND OURSELVES

Oh I had a bad morning today. We got up and went to the Gym. I decided I was going to do a 5k in 40 minutes today if it killed me. Started out great, pushing myself, feeling good, than at about 1.5 miles. I got this massive headache, like someone was pounding nail in my fore head. I stopped and took some water, and then continued on but my momentum was gone. I was deflated, with a headache to top it off. But at least I made it to the gym.

Tonight though I had a positive experience. I started a new bible study at my church called Living Beyond Ourselves by Beth Moore. I am so excited about this study. Tonight she talked about how we get tired and cannot go on but with God's energy we can proceed. It is so true and so exciting. She talked about we can be different, that we can embrace the fruits of the Spirit love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Self control hit home with me. There are so many things about myself that I feel our out of control, the main one being my relationship with food. I want it to be easy, that I can just turn the problem over to God and it be dealt with. I know it is not that easy, but it makes me feel better to know and be remained that their is a higher power that is there to help me if only I ask and let him. This bible study has come at the perfect time. I need to be different. I need to grow to be able to continue on my journey. We become stuck in ruts and are unable to get out it seems, but if we just open up our hearts and ask, we can be lifted up, so that we can continue on our journey. A journey I look forward to continuing.

BE THE BEST THAT YOU CAN BE

I saw LL COOL J on The View this morning where he was talking about his wonderful physic. He has a new workout book, which I am thinking about purchasing. But I have always liked him and like him even more now. He said something that really hit home. He said that our society lacks discipline and accountability to self, and that one day he just decided to "BE THE VERY BEST THAT HE CAN BE", and that is how he had gotten his healthy physic. What a profound thought, to try to be the Best that we can be. That is probably what GOD intended when he put us on this earth. To use all the gifts and blessings that he has given us, to be the best that we can be! Now I know that I am far from being the Best That I Can Be. Why do we sabatage ourselves, and settle for less from ourselves. I tell my children on a daily basis that they can be anything they want to be, that they can do anything they put their mind to. Why do I not tell that to myself? From now on every day I am going to ask myself that question, "Are you being the best that you can be?" and the answer better always be "I am working on it, and it is in sight!!!"

Quote of the Day
The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, & insurance called Faith, you will make it to a place called Success

WILL YOU GET BACK UP?

I was reading a new blog today and they had this great quote

"Failure is only a fact when you give up.
Everyone gets knocked down, the question is: Will you get back up?"
Author Unknown

That really is the questions, because if we don't get back up we can never achieve our goals. So I am getting back up, and will continue to try to win my battle with obesity!!

WAKE UP CALL

This morning we got a call early in the morning. It was my mother-in-law. They live in the midwest. My father-in-law had a heart attack last night, and it does not look good. Out of his three main arteries in the heart 2 are a 100% blocked and 1 is 50% blocked. He has diabetes that he has not been managing so until they get that under control they cannot even consider doing surgery. He is also obese.

This is the scenario that has been scaring me. This is one of the main reasons I have started this journey to fitness and have not given up. I do not want my children to be in this situation. I do not want to be in this situation, and am hurting for my father-in-law.

My husband and I are following in the foot steps of our parents, living unhealthy lives feeling that mortality will not catch up with us. Who are we kidding.

I looked up the actual definition of mortality-"the state or condition of being subject to death; mortal character, nature, or existence." Being subject to death. I know this applies to all of us, but we do not have to help death out do we.

So another wake up call for me and my family, how many wake up calls do you think GOD gives. I think that I will answer this one!!!

EXPECTATIONS

I have started to see a counselor regarding my depression and food issues and at our last meeting she said something that has really hit home. Do not go into situations with expectations and you can not be disappointed. NOT have expectations, is that possible I thought, but than I reflected on it. If I go into a situation not expecting a certain outcome, I will not be disappointed, if I am not disappointed, then I will not be come sad, and in turn turn to my always present enemy FOOD to heal the disappointment.

I have tried to apply the no EXPECTATIONS therory this week, and you know it does seem to help. I think everyone has to have hope, but if you don't expect something particular, you can be happy or satisfied with whatever the out come maybe. What is meant to happens, happens.

I am still struggling over whether or not to join Weight Watchers again. I have joined so many times only to fail. I would love to say I could join with no expectations, but come on, who joins weight watchers without expecting to loose weight. So do I spend the money and possibly fail again, or do I continue to flounder until I find my way. Only tomorrow can tell.

OOOOH I am struggling with my diet!!!!!!!!!!!Exercise is okay, have to admit the motivation factor is not as high as it could be, but it is okay. I just cannot seem to muster the willpower, or whatever you call it, to stick to a healthy eating plan. It is like have two personalities. One that loves to feel healthy, think healthy, and the other that says just eat it you will feel better. "You know you want to!", but I don't, as I eat it, that not so healthy food, the healthy voice in my head is telling me "You are going to regret this as soon as you take that last bite, why do you keep doing this to yourself??", and I do regret it and hate myself for being so weak, for giving in to temptation. How will I ever overcome the dueling voices?? Is it possible that I can ever overcome being over weight. It has been all consuming for as long as I can remember. I just want to wake up one morning and not have to think about being overweight or unhealthy. I want to feel good about myself, love myself, and use my energy to think about more positive things.

I watched Oprah this week and there was a girl on the show that had been on two years ago weighing over 200lbs., miserable, with a dad who did not like his daughter being overweight. She felt unloved and unhappy. Now two years later, after gastricbypass surgery, and 170lbs lighter, she is a new person. Beautiful, smiling, happy. Looking at her, all I could think is that is what I want. I want to feel the way she looks she feels. The worst came into my mind. Is surgery the only way I will ever be able to get my weight under control. One of my best friends for over 20 years just had Lap Band surgery, and she had the same look as the gastricbypass girl. The look that they both finally had control. Is surgery the only way???

I have always thought, No, I would never have surgery to get my weight under control, but this week I was tempted. Maybe it is the only way?? Of course insurance does not cover it, and it is so expensive, so is not really an option.

So, Monday again I will join weight watchers for the millionth, billionth time and try to muster up the faith in myself to be successful.

JUST KEEP SWIMMING

Today is a new day! Thank God for New days. He must have known that some of us would need them desparately. I feel better today. I got up and went to the gym and did my 40 minutes on the eliptical. It was hard getting there, but once I did I felt great when I was finished and glad that I went.

On the way home from dropping my daughter of at school today, I was listening to one of my favorite radio stations. It is a christian station and very up lifting. The DJ was talking about floundering. Just as I did yesterday("fish out of water"), and he had the best advise. Just keeping swimming no matter what. Made me think of Dora from Finding Nemo. As she would say-"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming!!"

So I continue to swim and hope that I do not drown;-), or that maybe there will be a cute lifeguard to save me!!

LOST

Sometimes this journey seems so long and tiring. I don't feel like I know where I am going or who I am any more. I can remember a time where I knew, or at least thought I knew where I was going, what my goals were, who my friends and family were. The relations seemed so defined, that I could count on them. There was comfort and safety, but now it is very rare that I feel that. I love my husband and kids, but wonder how much I let them down every day as I flounder on this earth like a fish out of water. Not able to catch my breath, much less muster the strength to jump back in the water and start swimming again.

How did I loose myself, when did I loose myself, or did I ever really know myself. Did I have to wait until I was almost 40 to relize I still do not know ME! Bad timing. How with so many people looking to me and counting on me on a daily basis do I stop and determine who I really am, what I really believe in, what is important to me, and where my moral compass lies?

My reaction is to just shut down, turn it off, and some days I do go on auto pilot, which is not good for me or my family. So what is the solution? I pray, but maybe not enough. Is it because I have not given it all over that I flounder so? I tell myself it is not about you, I start my day trying to not think about what I am looking for, but it always comes back to it. It is like until I know for sure who I am I cannot continue, I am stuck. That is exactly how I feel stuck. No matter what changes I make it does not seem to break me loose. Those around me think I am wishy washy, cannot make a decision to save my life. And you know it is true, I relize, how scary that I cannot decided. It is like being at a cross roads, and standing in the middle forever. What happens if you stand in the middle forever, what do you become? But I know in my gut I cannot stand in the middle forever. I must make that choice, and pick a direction, I want to pick a directions, I just don't know which way to go.

RESOLUTION RUN 2007

I started the New Year out running. Literally, I found that there was a 5K run in Seattle on January 1, 2007, so Laurie and I headed out the morning of the 1st and began the year with a 5k. We went with a goal. We wanted to do the run in under an hour. The first event we did together was last year at the St Patricks day Dash. We were way over an hour, and new we should be able to do much better than that, after all we are 1/2 marathon walkers;-)We started out running and ran farther in one stretch than we have yet, but maybe should have warmed up a little more, we were feeling the burn and a few aches, that had to be worked out.

While we were waiting for the run to start I kept commenting on the runners who were already starting the trail, going a little distance, and coming back to the finish line. Now I know why they do this. By the time the race has started they are nice and warmed up and have worked their way through any body issues, and are ready to go. I learn something new every time we go to a run/walking event.

So about the 2nd mile I think we were beginning to finally be warmed up, we ran a few more sections, making good time, heading for our goal, and finally the last stretch. We went for it and ran to the finish line. 49 minutes 45 seconds. A personal best! Laurie and I crossed the finish line and high fived. Our training is paying off. We are becoming stronger!!!

My only regret is that they also had the trip-n-dip at this event. It is where at the end of the race right before the finish line you submerge your self in Lake Washington before you run across the finish line. We did not come prepared for that part of the event, we thought hard about doing it, since it would have been a first for both of us, but decided to stick with the original plan of going for our personal best time, which we accomplished. But watch out 2008 we will be there with our towels in hand for that NICE dip in Lake Washington!!